I said empty your mind. Be formless, shapeless, like water.
Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup.
You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle.
You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot.
Now, water can flow, or it can crash.
Be water, my friend.
*deng deng deng, deng, deng, deng. LOL*
&in less than 7 days time, I will finally commission as 2LT.
I still remember my first day in BMT, when I awoke to the reality of 5am.
I still remember my first day in OCS, getting turned out and facing the floor in the parade square at 4am.
From REC, to OCT, to 2LT. This is probably about the most material achievement for me in the year 2013. I have been through probably the most enriching journey in my SAF journey yet. All the blood, sweat, tears through the sleepless nights, the sweltering mid-days, that thick layer of green/black camo on my face. I wouldn’t say that 2013 was a year well spent serving the nation, but 2013 was a year well spent discovering myself and getting stronger both physically and mentally. Now when I look upon my JC self, I realize how much I have grown as an individual. & Im really thankful for that.
So its been a good 10 months since I’ve enlisted. Theres another 1 year left to go exactly before I ORD. Truth be told, this 10 months really is a drag. Time used to fly past faster when I was in school. Or maybe its because we spend a whole lot more time in army than we did on the average day in school.
Initially, for most of us, at least for me, I envisioned NS to be an extended OBS experience. I thought of NS as a break from the academia insanity which I hated so much in hwachong as part of the GCE ‘A’ Level curriculum. Instead of studying day in day out, and struggling to complete tutorials, we could be having fun like shooting Sar 21 rifles or throwing hand grenades and have a genuine Counter Strike Experience first hand.
But having been through 9 week BMT, 12 weeks OCS service term, and in my 20 weeks OCS pro term, NS is becoming more of a dread than I imagined. Don’t be mistakened, for I do feel pride in serving the nation, and I do feel good about myself when Im pushed beyond my physical limits as I get stronger both physically and mentally. The thing is that, in army, it just feels like your life is in limbo. The transition from total freedom to 10% freedom in a span of 3 months pre-enlistment is too big of a change to embrace. Every weekend now I cherish fully, I stay up late into the night to complete whatever homeweork I have to do, just so I can step out of my house in the day to go somewhere, no matter where. It need not be town, or anywhere posh, my need to go out stems from one thing, the freedom to do whatever I want, to buy whatever I want, to walk where I want, to eat whatever I want. Its to experience the freedom I once had. To be frank, every weekend is a rehabilitation programme for me to feel free again.
But after awhile, even the 1.5 days of freedom you get during the weekends is unable to cure the sunday night book in blues. After awhile, theres a limit to what anyone can do to enjoy civilian life. & then theres the stigma in camp. You feel so detached from the world. And then theres the rush to wait, wait to rush phenomenon, which really gives you alot of time to sit there and decompose, or maybe to think about life. If you’re a girl, I don’t think you can ever understand what goes on in the army. Not to be sexist, but when I see my female peers complaining about meagre stuff in university, I can’t find the word to describe what I feel. It’d just be a series of thoughts, like
"dude, you got the freedom to do whatever you want! A small problem like that can be resolved so easily. Angry? Go chill out and have your favourite food and snacks or go do something you really like"
But really, I have no complains about my life. I think its pretty decent. I got an awesome Mom and Dad, I got funky sisters, and a humorous brother to perk me up on weekends. I got a loving girlfriend which I’m really grateful for. What more can I ask for? But as they say, a person is never satisfied with anything. Human beings want more, which made me spiral into how uncertain my life is now.
Sure, I got into NUS BIZ, which im thankful for cause my grades met the bare minimum criteria. Or maybe discretionary admission scheme helped my ass abit. I will never know will I? But I’m still not sure that this is the course for me. Hell, I don’t even know for sure what I would enjoy studying or doing in the future. I just know I don’t think I’d be happy with a desk job. All I know is I’m interested in making money. I’d got a craving to make money, by whatever means. Its not that my happiness comes from money, but I really find ways to make money really interesting. Does this mean business is for me?
*for all those who say biz is too general a degree, go fck yourself. You won’t know how investment, accounting, market research and shit works if you ain’t in biz. Think again. I think liberal arts is more useless in the pragmatic perspective.
& and I find myself spiralling into a whirlpool of trepidation. If I do decide to go NUS biz. What co-curricular activity am I to take? I know for sure I can’t go shooting anymore. Im sick of the Air Rifle, even though Im moderately good with it. I just can’t do it anymore. Its not in my blood. & then theres the “BTE” for any competitive sports. How am I gonna pick up a sport and ace it when there are already so many veterans that would make getting into the CCA so impossible. Should I just settle for an interest group? Or maybe I will just devote myself to bizard and go intellectual rather than physical. But physical is kinda like my thing.
I think I can only just research and make good use of my next 1 year in army to really pick up some skills, and sports. Find a talent for the talentless me. Then again, that depends on what posting I’m gonna get after I pass out as a Signals Officer, which is entirely out of my hands. Suddenly I don’t seem like I’m in much control of my life as I would like huh?
Or really, am I just thinking too much?